Unlike most of the other ‘The Top 384 Things To Do In Insert Name Of City Here’ blog posts that seem to be spouting up all over the web like some kind of insidious fungal disease, I’m not going to tell you that this is the best, the greatest or the definitive list of things to do in Paris.
I’m not going to tell you that you absolutely, totally, utterly must do all of these things before you die, nor am I going to tell you that there will be a gnawing, soul crushing sense of despair in your heart for ever more if you book those flights to Paris and don’t do any of these things at all.
Nope, it’s just five things that I did last time I was in Paris that I thought were really rather awesome. That’s it. Enjoy.
1. Get drunk at sunset up the Eiffel Tower
We all know the Eiffel Tower. It’s big, it’s metal, it’s expensive and every tourist within fifty miles will be trying to get up there at the same time as you, right? Well, yes and no. The first three are always going to be true, but the last … not necessarily.
Time your arrival for about an hour before sunset and although there will undoubtedly still be a queue (there always is for Eiffel Tower tickets), by the time you get up there most people will thankfully be disappearing to find some dinner. Brilliant. Go to the top and take a million photos if you’ve never been up there before, but then come back down to the first level where there is a handily located cafe.
Even handier is the fact that it serves beer and wine. Drag one of the plastic chairs over to the railings and raise a toast to Paris. There’s something very cool about watching the sun go down as you sink a few cold cans of Heineken with your feet up on the edge of a global icon.
2. Hire a bicycle and ride it like a maniac along the back streets
The Velib bike rental scheme is a fantastic idea – use your credit card to unlock and rent a bicycle from one of hundreds of bike racks all over the city, ride it to your destination and drop it off at any other Velib rack. A day ticket is 1 euro, which gives you unlimited free rides of up to half an hour each. Grab your map and hit the cobblestones.
It’s a brilliant way of seeing the back streets en-route to the tourist spots – probably far more of the back streets than you expect, actually, given the mass of confusing one-way lanes everywhere that never seem to quite intersect with each other. Being lost is half the fun though – I didn’t have a clue where I was for most of the time but the race against my travel companions the wrong way down random streets all the way back from Sacre-Couer to Notre Dame is one of my favourite memories of the place.
Prices rise sharply the longer you have the bike for, though, so make sure you drop it back once you’re done.
3. Have a picnic beside the Louvre and try to avoid the grass police
Sure, the Louvre is another one of those must see Paris highlights – after all, what’s not to like about standing in a huge throng of people craning your neck over the giant in front of you to catch a glimpse of the Mona Lisa enclosed in thick bulletproof glass? It is undoubtedly an wonderful museum – but it is also so massive that you could easily spend several days there and not see it all. Although you would start to feel like an extra in The Da Vinci Code.
When it all becomes too much, take a break from the crowds, grab some bread, cheese and wine from a nearby store (or filled baguettes from the food stalls) and pull up a patch of grass under a tree in the Tuilleries Gardens to enjoy a relaxed slice of Parisian life. Joggers out for their daily exercise, families enjoying the wonderful gardens, beautiful people just walking around being beautiful.
Do be careful to take note of the signs though – much of the grassed area is apparently for looking at, not setting foot upon. The grass police (complete with whistles) will have a field day if you dare to disturb the elegantly manicured blades. And no, sadly, I’m not making this up.
4. Try not to die in a taxi ride round one of the world’s craziest intersections
Take one massive monument dedicated to the glory of France’s armies. Now surround it with an enormous roundabout with a dozen of Paris’s main arterial routes entering from every direction. Throw hundreds of cars a minute into the mix, and what do you have? Well, the only place in the city where insurance companies don’t bother trying to ascertain blame for traffic accidents, for starters. And the makings of a great taxi ride, for another.
Make sure your travel insurance is up to date then flag down a cab and head up the world famous Champs-Elysées (marvelling at all of the designer stores that you can’t afford to set foot inside). As the traffic starts to get heavier and heavier, it’s time to ask your driver to do a couple of laps around the Arc de Triomphe. Hang onto your hat, it’s one hell of a crazy ride.
Buses, trucks, cars, motorbikes – if it’s got wheels, it’ll be sitting on your bumper or trying to sideswipe your door the whole way round. Insane. And awesome. When (if) you make it out alive, you’ll be in dire need of a drink to calm the shattered nerves. Can I suggest the Eiffel tower?
5. Check out half naked women and get solicited, all in the name of art.
If you’re after a tacky, tawdry, uniquely Paris experience, look no further than a late night show at the Moulin Rouge, where dancing girls have been taking their tops off for over a hundred years. Despite the cliche (and the price), a night under the red windmill is surprisingly enjoyable. Maybe that’s due to the half bottle of champagne per person that’s included in the ticket price, maybe it’s the sheer acrobatic talent of the performers … or maybe it’s just due to watching a large number of beautiful women dancing around sans half their clothing. You decide.
Make sure you eat somewhere else beforehand though – the dinner options at the show are expensive and mediocre at best. To top things off, the metro is closed when the show finishes around 2am and it’s almost impossible to find a cab anywhere nearby, so you’ll get to continue the evening’s theme by wandering around the red light district for ages searching for transportation while being solicited to check out sex shows every few feet.
Fun, right? Right?